In Memory Of Our Angel Joshua

~If I had a flower for every time I think of you, I could walk in my garden forever.~

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A Prayer for Joshua Daniel John

Heavenly Father, we are gathered here today to remember Joshua Daniel John and the tragic loss of his life, and to thank You, Lord, for the blessing of this child. We thank You, Lord, for his brief and wonderful life.

Joshua has touched us in so many ways, and has shown us the fragile nature of Your gift of life. Even though we feel empty in our mourning of this loss, we know that You, Lord, have a plan. That as meaningless and hard as life can seem, there can be a reason for these things, a mystery which we can barely fathom, such is Your awesome nature.

Lord, You have taught us that without death there is no life, just as without night there is no day. And I believe, Lord, that there is a reason You took Josh from us so soon.

Joshua was specially chosen by You, Lord, to be an angel. For children that are not yet born possess souls of the most pure and fragile kind, and these innocent souls become the most special of God's angels in heaven. Their life-force is unique, and we feel blessed that You, Lord, chose us, chose Becky, to be a vessel for your divine working.

You, Lord, saw the strengths in Joshua's mother, and used her to create one of your most special children. Thank You, Lord, for blessing our family with the understanding that we are at Your mercy, and we feel blessed to be a part of Your plan.

Lord, I thank You for giving us a speedy delivery for Joshua, and I thank You for touching Becky in her hour of need, and for showing us such a beautiful child.

Lord, I also thank You for touching the hearts of all those around us, and those who helped support us, for without them, like being without You, we are helpless.

Finally, Lord, I ask You to look after all of those families, like ours, who have suffered; to look after Becky and all those mothers who have lost their children. Bless their souls and comfort them with peace in the understanding that You have given them a gift of life, however brief; given them the most special of lives, the souls of those most wondrous of angels who sit closest to You.

We thank You, Lord, for Your gift of life.

In Jesus' name we pray, Amen.

Written by Joshua's father, Jeremy. January 30th, 2000.

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Joshua's Story~

When I discovered that I was pregnant with Joshua, my husband and I rejoiced, We had been so selective with our conception plans. We planned everything right down to the time of year that we wanted to be pregnant. My husband was sure that I was pregnant even before I tested and would constantly talk to my belly even back then.

I had some mild discomforts as the months went by, swelling and pregnancy-induced hypertension that kept me from working full time. I did not mind the extra time at home, I reveled in it. Joshua would constantly kick and stretch in my tummy. It seemed that he did not need a moment to rest on some days.

My doctors watched me closely and were cautious about the hypertension. Toward the 36th week of my pregnancy, my doctor was concerned that Joshua's head may have been over-developed in proportion to his body. She referred me to a perinatologist, who also voiced this concern. The worry was that Joshua might have some form of dwarfism. They told me that his head had developed to 38 weeks, but his body was behind schedule at 35 weeks.

I did not believe that anything was seriously wrong. Joshua was so active and happy that I knew we would have a playful, happy baby. I would have been willing to deal with any anomalies that he might have, but doubted that it would be the case.

On Saturday, January 22nd, 2000, Joshua was very active. He spent the whole day jabbing, tickling, and playing in my tummy. On Sunday, he was very quiet. He would usually be quiet after a day of high activity. On Monday, January 24th, Joshua was unusually quiet. I even shook my belly to get his attention, but nothing. I still did not worry until the evening progressed. At eight o?clock, I decided to do kick counts. I kept dozing off and on, but I did not get any kicks. I awoke from sleep on the sofa at ten o'clock and started to tell my husband that I thought maybe we needed to call the doctor. Just then, Joshua did one of the biggest moves I had felt. He rolled over to the other side of my tummy. My husband was concerned, since Josh had never moved like that before. I took it to mean that he was being playful again. I went to be comforted by the fact that he had moved and I knew that I had a doctor's appointment the next morning, so I did not worry anymore that night.

As I prepared for my appointment the next morning, Joshua was very quiet. My husband expressed his concern, but I insisted that everything was probably OK and that I did not need him to accompany me to the doctor. As I drove myself to the appointment, I started to wonder at my husband's concern and started to worry myself. I prayed so hard on the drive over. When I sat up on the table at the doctor's office, I told the technician about my concern She strapped a fetal heart monitor to my abdomen, and could not find my baby's heartbeat. She said that it was a new machine that she wasn't familiar with and excused herself to get my doctor. My doctor also could not find Joshua's heartbeat, so she had me go to the ultrasound room so they could look at him.

As I lay on the table looking at the picture of our son on the monitor, I realized that my doctor was leaning further and further over me, obstructing my view as she read the technician's monitor. I was becoming desperately frightened and began to ask myself if perhaps I should have called my husband to come. Then my doctor stood up and looked me in the eye and said, "I'm sorry, but we've lost him." Just like that, our precious baby boy was gone. My blood felt like ice in my veins as I kept repeating over and over, "I don't understand." The doctor told me that the big move that I had felt the night before was most likely when Joshua died. To bring her point home, she pointed to the monitor and showed me his still heart.

I walked with feet made of lead to an office where I could call my husband. My voice broke as I told him that our cherished Joshua was dead. I will never forget his scream of "NOOOOO!" I dropped the phone and cried and cried. It seemed like seconds later that my husband was there, holding me as we discussed when to induce my labor.

On January 27th, 2000. our Joshua was born. I remember watching the fetal heart monitor readouts as they documented my contractions...one side of the paper spiked and active, the other blank where Joshua's heartbeats would have been recorded. It was such a bittersweet moment, his entry into this world.

The doctor had told me that she could not be sure of what had caused his death until he was born and could be examined. I watched him enter the world with my final push and saw for myself the umbilical cord wrapped around and around his neck (four times the doctor told me later). It looked like some sort of hideous collar.

Our baby was perfect in every other way. Beautiful and precious. He looked exactly as I had imagined he would, with my dark hair and eyes and all the rest a mirror image of his dear father. We held him and rocked him, kissed him and loved him. Many pictures were taken and even more tears shed.

We had an autopsy done and other tests, just to make sure that there were not any other anomalies for a future pregnancy. All tests were negative; our boy was perfectly healthy. We had been cheated by a terrible accident.

I thank you all who read this and share in the delight that we had in Joshua's brief life. By pausing here, you have helped Joshua to live on. For this we are grateful. God bless you.

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